home.
Approaching the end of the year - especially a year different than any other in so many ways - calls for a certain reflection and introspection. At least for me, it does.
There have been many challenges this year, even before COVID. But then we hit March and a new kind of reality emerged.
From the beginning, I’ve rejected the idea of “the new normal”. Nothing that we’ve experienced this year can even loosely be defined as “normal” and to do so pushes a narrative that harms those who have suffered so much this year. This is not normal. It is, in many ways, an ongoing and collective trauma. The impacts are, and will continue to be, far reaching.
And yet.
All of the beauty of human existence rests in that phrase: And yet.
And yet, here we are. In various networking, personal, and social circles folx are posing the questions - “what were your wins this year”? To contemplate even that there are wins in a year such as this seems audaciously insistent. As I’ve written previously, this gets at the heart of meaning-making. What positives can you take from this bleak moment in time?
So that’s my focus as we close out this year, and the invitation I extend to you in this moment.
Yes, it’s been hard and yes we’ve struggled - and yet…
…back in March or April, I started a daily practice on my personal Facebook page of sharing “Five Good Things” every day. I’ve posted nearly every day. Some days I stare at my screen for a loooooooong time coming up with my list, but I always manage it. And friends respond and share their good things. I’ve had others share that it has provided them something to look forward to during these many months, and honestly, it’s been good for me, too. It has kept me grounded and centered amid so much uncertainty.
…I’ve also been practicing near daily yoga since August. I had to stop running for a bit - at first because I was hurt and then because I just didn’t want to anymore. Our self-care practices move in and out of our lives as the circumstances change. Running used to be my propulsion toward strength and growth, but in the context of shifting two jobs to remote formats, and the remote schooling of two kids, running started to feel like more “work”. I needed to not have every aspect of my life feel like work, and so running has (temporarily, I hope) slipped away and yoga has filled that space. Listening to myself was so important, and I'm so glad I have done that amid these challenges.
…speaking of the kids remote learning - they are doing really well (most of the time). I am so grateful. That could be two of my Five Good Things every single day. And I’ve greatly appreciated this time with them. I was especially cognizant of this last month, my son’s 12th birthday. He made that shift from little kid to almost-teen and I didn’t miss it. In any other year, I would’ve missed it. I’d have been at work and he’d have been at school and the days would have flown by. They days are longer now, yes, but they are slower and I’ve spent more time with my children than I ever have in their entire lives. We are not without our struggles and my worries, but these days have largely felt like gifts.
…professionally, I’m in places I couldn’t have imagined. A few years ago, I left a beloved, secure, salaried job at a state university to take an enormous professional risk. There was a serendipity in this transition that I could not have foreseen. The universe was truly looking out for me, bestowing a blessing that gave me time and space to make my pandemic pivot at solavis.
…which brings me that: the pivot that turned into a pirouette. Back in December 2019, a business coach I follow on social media posted a query to her community of entrepreneurs: “what’s your word?” for 2020. My word was “root”. I knew I wanted to dig in and establish something strong for the community I am growing here, for all of us. Little did I know, did any of know, what was to lie ahead.
And yet.
In looking back, roots are firmly entrenched and the vision I’ve held for our community is becoming our reality. I took a moment to detail this in my most recent love letter to y’all.
Beyond all of the checklists, though, this time at home has felt, truly, like a homecoming. A coming home to my own self. I feel more myself than I’ve ever felt. Being on Zoom with colleagues, students, and clients has elicited a new kind of transparency and vulnerability - I can no longer curate a well-articulated version of myself. It’s all real-me all the time now, folks, because those are my kids making noise in the background and that’s my garbage truck picking up the trash, and that’s my dog snoring in Two Minute Meditation videos.
More importantly, the being vulnerable was a big step, but learning that there is nothing wrong with my most real-me has been the true lesson.
We are all here, in our homes, together. It’s so excruciatingly real and it has the capacity to be the most liberating experience.
In the days since mid-March the confines of my life have gotten quite small. Days I “go to town” are literally a thing now (it feels quite Laura Ingalls of me, to be honest). In the smallness, and quietness, of this space though, I’ve reencountered myself, my sense of the world, and the way I want to move through it. I’ve found ways to do good work that I am humbled by and proud of. I’ve connected with the house that is my home, and the people within it, in deeper ways. I have tapped into a sense of peace, despite working harder than maybe I ever have. I’ve shed layer upon layer of facade and embrace this contentment. I have finally learned to be still.
From Rupi Kaur:
It was when I stopped searching for home within others
and lifted the foundations of home within myself
I found there were no roots more intimate
than those between a mind and body
that have decided to be whole.
And so I mentioned above, and I will mention again - I would love for you to share you wins, too. Or maybe they don’t feel like wins. Maybe they feel like small whispers of survival. It all counts.
What sweetness have you found in the bitter bite of this year?
What meaning are you making of this experience?
