introduction to self-compassion.

Two weeks from today (YAY!!!), I will be leading a workshop on mindful self-compassion. I have been studying the work of Dr. Kristen Neff since first discovering her via various podcasts. [Listen to her interview on Ten Percent Happier here; and on the Metta Hour with Sharon Salzberg here.] I have become really intrigued by the healing capacity of inwardly focused self-compassion as I see it as an accessible tool to help us overcome self-doubt, self-judgement, self-blame, and recrimination that prevents us from reaching true happiness.

On a slight side note, a long time ago I had a realization that if we, as a species, could overcome our own feelings of inadequacy and self-criticism, I think we could truly change the world. Our fears of inadequacy provides the material in which our walls are built. If I can eliminate my walls, if I can celebrate myself, then I am no longer afraid of you or threatened by your success. If I am not threatened by or afraid of you, I can embrace you and be in alliance with you. If we can be in alliance with one another, imagine how much true work we could actually accomplish as a society. Just a group of people ceaselessly supporting one another and cheering each other on. Imagine the creativity that could flourish in that environment. But I digress. Kinda.

Back to our inner-critics. I don’t know about y’all, but my inner-critic can be downright nasty at times. Relentless. There are moments where I feel like she never cuts me any slack.

Mindful self-compassion and meditation have taught me to approach her differently. What I mean by this is, I turn back to face her, to see what she’s really about. A wonderful meditation technique I learned was to give a name to the various narrative voices that hijack your thoughts. I found this to help make these thought patterns more tangible. This provides a way for me to explore these thoughts like I would another person. And when I patiently, kindly, and compassionately explore my inner-critic, I can see she is just so scared.

She is terrified of messing up, or of being seen as someone who messes up. She is afraid of getting into trouble or making others upset. She too often feels responsible for the happiness of other people. And she has a deep need to always be correct and doing exactly the right thing. In her fear, she can be a bit of a tyrant.

While that description may sound a little dissociative, I’ve found it a tremendous technique in silencing her voice and being able then more accurately and reasonably assess a situation. This is what mindful self-compassion offers ~ the techniques to halt self-flagellation; to be loving and kind and gracious with ourselves.

Here’s a real life example of how this can be applied to real life situations:

You’re at work, and you receive an email from your boss. In it they point out an error you’ve made on a big project you’re working on. As you’re reading the words you feel your chest constrict, and your stomach drops. You see that your boss has also copied the head of your department on the email and your face flushes red hot with embarrassment. You feel badly that you’ve made this mistake, but it is made doubly worse by this other individual’s witnessing presence. And did your boss’ tone have to be so sharp? The wording of this email feels harsh, which is frustrating because you’ve tried so hard to do everything exactly right up to this point.

For the next couple of hours you ruminate. Thoughts are circulating through your mind - you feel betrayed that your boss took such a harsh line, copied in someone else to witness this. You feel shame that you were “caught” messing up. You entertain a variety of responses to this - groveling, passive aggressive retorts, begging for forgiveness, and various levels of defensiveness.

But alas! You remember your self-compassion practices and pull out a journal and start following the mindful self-compassion steps to shift your perspective on this situation.

-What is the situation;

I received an email from work explaining that I had made an error.

-What stories might you be telling yourself about this situation. Are you lost in this storyline?;

Everyone involved will think I am incompetent and it may risk my involvement in future projects.

-Can you acknowledge the true feelings coming up for you now in a balanced and objective way?;

I feel embarrassed and disappointed to be seen in this way. These feelings are difficult to experience.

-Are these feelings isolating? Do you feel like you’re the only one who makes mistakes?;

-Can you recognize the common humanity of messing up?;

When I mess up I feel like all eyes are on me and my defenses make me want to hide away from the perceived judgement from others. But when I think about it, I realize this happens to everyone from time to time. No one is perfect. No one needs to be perfect.

-How are you judging yourself for what happened? What does your inner critic have to say about this?;

You’re not supposed to make mistakes. You look terrible in the eyes of your coworkers. They are better than you.

-Can you give yourself a compassionate response to this difficult scenario?

Wow - that email must have been difficult to receive. You pride yourself on the quality of your work, so it must have felt bad to receive the feedback that you had made an error. It’s a perfectly normal reaction to have. Your value to the world around you does not require your perfection. It’s ok to make mistakes, you’re allowed to mess up sometimes. It’s ok, you’re ok.

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Maybe after going through these steps, you find you can return to the email and reread it. Does it still feel the same, or does it feel less attacking now? Can you read it without feeling the difficult negative sensations - tightness in your chest, flush in your cheeks, dropping of your stomach? Can you recognize the context this email was written in? Does it feel less personal?

That is what self-compassion can do, and it can be extended to all sorts of challenging situations we face in real life. At work, in our families, in our friendships, at home, in the community, or even in our own hearts.

There can be liberation in this practice - freedom away from the inner-critic and the freedom to be who you really are. More to the point - freedom to be fully accepting of how you really are. Compassionately.

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If this technique sounds like something you’d like to learn more about, as well as more about self-compassion practices in general, I hope you’ll consider attending the “be your own valentine” workshop on February 15 2020 in New Paltz. Follow this link for more information about the workshop as well as ticketing information. See you there! Mindfulness self-compassion practice is traditionally taught in an 8 week format. The 2/15/2020 session will serve as an introduction to basic concepts around self-compassion with opportunity for further study and practice over the coming weeks and months.